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Who Am I Really?
I [Sometimes] Like Boys But I Like Video Games. I work out a lot at the gym even when Im really tired. I Cry Alot But I Dont Like To Be Sad. Making Up And Making Out. Being Naughty. Staying Up All Night. Long Kisses. Conversations That Leave Me Soaring. Staying In The Bath For A Long Time. Talking On The Phone Till I Fall Asleep. Im Not Exactly Ladylike. I Fall Hard And Fast But I Can Recover In The Blink Of An Eye. I Either Love Or Hate Theres No Inbetween. I Sometimes Wish I Was A Ladybug. Play Fighting Is Hot. Walking Long Distances For No Reason. Calling Childen Monkeys And Threatening To Steal Their Shoes. Cute Girls In Skirts. Meeting Hot Grrls Who Are Into Me. Red And Black Things. Candy Floss On A Nice Day. I Love Eating Cake For Dinner. Getting And Giving Surprises. Music Playing Softly In The Background. Darwin my budgie, Bella & Harley my cats, Roxie my Chihuahua and Madison my cockatiel. Sometimes I Want To Be Alone [Not Always]. I Hate Little Things Being Out Of Place. I Want The Weather To Be Warm All Year Round. Changing my hair colour frequently. I don't understand "normal". I [Only] Like Warm Rain.
Pink | Ladybug Lover | BPD | Anxious | Pierced | Childlike | Intellectual | Christian | Anorexic | Hoarder | Niknak Collector | Chihuahua Owner | Hair Dye Freak | RPG Player | Book Reader | Married | Quixotic | Loving | Openminded | Bisexual | An Artist | Over Emotional | Unique | Custom Made | Shoe Lover | Linux Lover
- (*)3/4" lobe
- (*)3/4" lobe
- (*)4mm lobe
- (*)nose - Retired.
- (*)eyebrow - Retired.
- (*)bellybutton - Retired.
- (*)labret - Retired.
- (*)vertical hood
- (*)self done scar of heart on right hip
- (*)purple star on lower back
- (*)"CHOSEN" with stars on lower back
- (*)ladybug above right collarbone
- (*)Pink star with flames x2 - right and left inner forearm
Modern Browsers. Monitor with 1024x768 or 800x600 resolution.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
10:11AM - Beautiful Saraya
Monday, November 3, 2008
1:03PM - Week 23 Baby Bump Pictures
Monday, September 29, 2008
3:25PM - Bigger, Better & Bumpier!
Hi guys, I don't even know if anyone reads this anymore but just to let you know that I'm still alive and well. Very well in fact. Heavier than the last time I posted, mostly due to the fact that I'm now 4 months pregnant! Yes, it's true! There is gonna be a mini-me around by end of February next yr! And apparently my body is still fertile, years of starving has not (as I previously thought) killed off my chances of having babies.
( 28th SeptemberCollapse )
( 2nd SeptemberCollapse )
( 22nd SeptemberCollapse )
( Ultrasound PicsCollapse )
Sunday, May 25, 2008
3:37PM - Still Rollin'
It was the anon comment on my last post which reminded me I haven't updated in a while so I thought I would remind you all I'm still here! I'm still in recovery and have been stable at 112lbs for about 7 months now! Stable! Who would have thought it? Who would have believed that I could remain at a constant (ignoring daily fluctuations!) weight for so long. Even at this weight I'm still considered underweight, yet I eat so much!
I have just started running but I am taking precautions, the guy I'm running with is aware of my history and is making sure I don't go overboard. My - very unfit - body isn't really used to this sort of exercise having given up my ballet just last yr, I'm not built to run but I'm enjoying it as there are no thoughts in my head of losing weight, just being healthy! I never dreamed I could be here or that I could stick to it.
Recovery is hard, I have days that are easy that I just sail through and others that take real strength to battle through but I'm doing it. I have stumbled but haven't fallen.
I can only thank my friends for believing in me and for standing by me, providing support and helping me through.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
12:03PM - It's Been A Long Time
I know I haven't updated in a long time, think of it as a caterpillar going through its transformation. I have been in my cocoon, changing, becoming, recovering. I'm not "there" yet but I have emerged, I am sitting in the sun drying my wings. Waiting for the right time to lift off and fly.
I have been in recovery, off my own back, for about 6 months now. I have gained some and am now up to roughly 112 lbs. I have only been weighing myself once a month and am eating every day - what a novelty huh?? I decided it was the right time, I know it is the right time for me to be going through this. It's hard, so so hard. I struggle every day to get through and keep up with this but I'm still here and still doing it 6 months on. I see the light at the end of the tunnel that I really could lead a "normal" (whatever that is!) life. I have a job, I work hard and love it. I work in a petshop where my boss is my (IRL) best friend. I work with her two sons (one of which I am head over heels with!) and get to work with animals all day. It's very theraputic.
I hope I can make it, make it when I know so many have failed or not even had the chance. I know I can be free of this. I am changed, I am a new person. I have a new life ahead of me. I just need to work. I feel happy, I don't mind my lumps and bumps so much. I get complimented more, guys notice me (and my now giant bewbs!). I feel like a woman.
I hope you guys are all well. This week would have been Jello's (industrikitty) birthday. I dedicate this entry to her and to how much I still miss her, how much I still feel the pain of losing her just as so many others do.
<3 R.I.P. Misty <3
I Love You
Friday, August 10, 2007
7:29AM - I am Still Here!!
Work has been crazy busy recently, the boss/owner decided to take a couple of days holiday which was cool but as soon as she took time off she got sick so the girl who was acting boss has gone away on holiday and left ME in charge!! I have only been there 2 months. I think Im on the stress restriction or something, the weight has fallen off the past 3 days - 4lbs off! Im down to 95.4 (bmi 15.3) I need to update some photos and stuff - hopefully soon, I promise you guys who read my journal!! Everything is ROSY in the Eve Garden! <3 Watch this space!!
Ok ok just a couple of photos from a few weeks ago - I was about 102 in these
( 1950's are sexyCollapse )
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Tuesday, June 5, 2007
5:06PM - No Piece Of Cake
If you havent already seen this AMAZING advert watch HERE first!
THE AD: Skoda Fabia
THE BRIEF: Build a Skoda out of cake (and continue to change people's perceptions of the brand).
THE SCHTICK: Bakers are shown making an array of differently shaped and sized cakes and then assembling them into something. It becomes clear eventually that they are assembling an orange car, but it's only when you see a Skoda badge being fixed with icing sugar to the front of the cake car that the brand is revealed.
THE BREAKDOWN: This is advertising on a big scale. It's imaginative, ambitious, painstakingly crafted, and - thanks in no small part to the soundtrack of Julie Andrews singing My Favourite Things - destined to hit the target of being the ad you are glad to see. It's an instant classic.
Shot at Shepperton Studios, the cake took eight people 10 days to make. While the basis of the chassis is seen being built up with sponges, the moulded parts of the bodywork are made with a mixture of Rice Krispies. A home economist reveals in a "behind the scenes" video that the cereal was "the best edible material which will set to the exact shape of the panel" - something anyone who's made an Easter egg "nest" cake will confirm. The headlight covers are made from glacier mints, the brake lights from red jelly. The engine and wing mirrors, from marzipan.
Not only does director Chris Palmer think it was worth the trouble, he says it's the reason the advert works at all. "Thank God we did it for real," he says. "It was doing it for real in real time that was the worst possible way. We didn't have a practice run. It was all theory up until we had done it. But I'm so glad that we did, and that the people in the advert were the people who did it - the model makers were building it for real."
This is an enormous amount of trouble to go to for an advert - some estimates say that it cost £500,000 to make; one newspaper pointed out the comparative value of a Skoda (the advert costs 62 times as much). So is this a bid for Skoda to make the most of its recent good press and performance in driver surveys? It's some time since the brand stopped apologising for itself, but does the scale of the advert indicate a bolder aspiration?
Simon Barker, communications manager for Skoda, says not. "For us, it's not about being brash or proving a point, it's about self-confidence," he says.
But he accepts that on first viewing this does not look like a Skoda advert. The initial shots of bakers hard at work is reminiscent of Asda's recent campaign starring Victoria Wood (coincidentally produced by the same advertising company), but as it progresses one expects it to be a Honda magnum opus, a worthy successor to its legendary Cogs in which various car parts beautifully collide with each other like a domino-felling exhibition.
Barker says: "Lots of people have said to me that when it starts you don't even spot it's a car advert, until you see certain glimpses. And you certainly don't realise it's a Skoda advert. When they realise it is for a car, the first one that comes into their mind is a Honda. That's fantastic for us - Honda make great adverts. For us to be thought of being at their level is great."
In fact, a distinguishing feature of the remarkable series of recent Honda adverts has been that none is in any way like any of the others. The latest, Hondamentalism, has three scientists battling against an almighty gale. It's a statement about scientific advance but feels bleak in comparison to previous feel-good efforts.
One bit of trivia about the Skoda advert: Julie Andrews gave her personal approval to the soundtrack, following Skoda asking EMI's permission. Ad Breakdown has noted in the past just how much the right song can contribute to an advert's watchability, and that's never been truer than here. It reminds you what a towering talent Julie Andrews really is. The perfect clarity of the recording, her diction and flawless voice emphasise the unusual distinction of this work.
And the remaining question - what happened to the cake? Barker says they looked at donating it to charity, but by the time the cake had been in the studio and under the lights during construction it was not thought fit for human consumption. It ended up in a compost heap - though the chocolate speedometer and marzipan wing mirrors were, reportedly, kept for posterity.
Taken From: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/magazine/670
Friday, May 25, 2007
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
4:38PM - Deranged Bloods
The past few days have been a bit crazy. Long story short - I drove 1.5 hrs away to a beach, OD'd, hid behind a rock so no-one would notice me, watched people surfing, just drifting away in my own head. I didnt think anyone would see me but this guy whose son was surfing found me, called paramedics, got taken to hospital. They put me on a drip because apparently my liver is screwed. I had to have 3 bags of IV crap, parvolex, to try and clean my liver of the paracetamol. The parvolex makes you puke your guts up, so I spent 24 puking, I had to have 2 anti-sickness injections to stop me throwing up, especially as there was nothing in my tummy to throw up - bile... yum... I got so pissed off with being there because the last bag was supposed to go in over 16 hrs and that would take me to 9pm last nite so I said that was ok I would stay but then I was going home. The Dr said I wasnt going home as I needed a blood test the next morning. I told them Im not staying another night just for a fucking blood test. They got all pissy and started saying my bloods were really messed up and my liver is really damaged and how I had to stay so I said I would just discharge myself. I signed a waiver to say Im refusing medical treatment and that if I drop dead I wont sue them, pulled the IV from my arm because the last bag hadnt finished and left! So they told me (exact words!) that my blood is DERANGED! HOW FUCKING FUNNY IS THAT! I have DERANGED blood!! LOL So yea, I puked my guts up the whole night in hospital and now Im home, I still feel a little ill but nothing major. They told me they are very concerned for my health. Mummy isnt speaking to me, she is SO pissed off that I signed that form and left, I cant believe she is pissed at that tho like hello I od'd, ie tried to kill myself, therefore why would I give a fuck about my actual health, deranged blood, screwed liver?!?!?!?!? SERIOUSLY!! So yea I am hated because I am evil and selfish and only think about myself and blah blah blah WHAT THE FUCK EVER.
Saturday, May 19, 2007
I got my letter from the cardiology department today... so much for a 6 month wait I have an appt on the 15th of june. The letter said I had to make an appt within the next 3 weeks which in one way is kinda scary as the nurse told me the longer it was til my appt the less I had to worry because in her words "No news is good news" when it comes to this. The soonest appt they had was 15th june.... now Im gonna be sitting here waiting, worrying and wishing my appt was sooner just to know, am I ok? Am I not ok? Why do they need to see me so soon? What showed up on my trace...
Thursday, May 17, 2007
IF YOU'RE ON MY FRIENDS LIST, I want to know 28 things about you. I don't care if we've never talked, never liked each other, or if we already know everything about each other. I really don't. You are obviously on my flist, so let me know with whom I'm friends!
1. Your Middle Name:
3. Single or Taken:
4. Favourite Movie:
5. Favourite Song or Album:
6. Favourite Band/Artist:
7. Dirty or Clean:
8. Tattoos and/or Piercings:
9. Do we know each other outside of LJ?
10. What's your philosophy on life?
11. Is the bottle half-full or half-empty?
12. Would you keep a secret from me if you thought it was in my best interest?
13. What is your favourite memory of us?
14. What is your favourite guilty pleasure?
15. Tell me one odd/interesting fact about you:
16. You can have three wishes (for yourself, so forget all the 'world peace etc' malarky) - what are they?
17. Can we get together and make a cake?
18. Which country is your spiritual home?
19. What is your big weakness?
20. Do you think I'm a good person?
21. What was your best/favourite subject at school?
22. Describe your accent
23. If you could change anything about me, would you?
24. What do you wear to sleep?
25. Trousers or skirts?
26. Cigarettes or alcohol?
27. If I only had one day to live, what would we do together?
28. Will you repost this so i can fill it out for you?
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
7:05PM - I [heart] U
So I want to get a tattoo of a heart shaped ball of yarn with fancy needles poking through it so my first step was to somehow make a heart shaped ball of yarn. When I finished making it I thought it was so cute it deserved to be photographed!
( ArtisticCollapse )
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
11:49PM - I Rock I'm A Geek!
So after a lengthy discussion with one of my friends about geeks he found an online geek test to find out how geeky I really am! When I read my score I thought it was kind of average until I read both the guestbook on the site and him telling me the forum he found the test people were only scoring between 5 and 20% with 30% being the max... I scored a COOL "50.09862% - Super Geek" OMG SUPERGEEK! W00T I am L337!!!
You too can take the test HERE
4:04PM - Waste. Of. Time.
Thanks guys, I really appreciate all your comments and replies. It means so much to me to have such good friends.
I had my psych app this morning, waste of time.
Her: Do you want to kill yourself?
Her: Do you intend to kill yourself?
Her: how do you intend to do it?
blah blah blah blah
Her: ok see you in 2 months
WTF!! SERIOUSLY. The NHS is seriously fucked. I may as well already be dead. I honestly dont get why they wont fucking DO something. She asked me what would make it better and I told her a lobotomy. Im so fed up with this system. Its a pile of shit. I mean I was fucking referred for therapy OVER A YEAR AGO and still nothing. WASTE OF TIME.
I saw a good quote today
"Don't tell God how big the storm is. Tell the storm how big your God is."
Words to live by:
Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.
Monday, May 14, 2007
I feel like shit. I felt like shit when I woke up, you know that low, gnawing feeling in your tummy. Well that's how I felt. I was trying to decide whether to fast or restrict today. It was too hard a decision to make. I didn't even want to get dressed but I thought I could get a Starbucks while I made up my mind. So I forced myself into some clothes (reluctantly) and set off down the street. Now Starbucks is only about 1 minute walk from my front door, if even that far. I stopped at the newsagents to see if there were any new magazines in and I ran into a friend I haven't seen in nearly a year. Leo works at a chinese restaurant I used to frequent. We chitchatted for a couple of mins before he said "You look so much better since the last time I saw you, your face has filled out so much you have put on a good bit of weight, it looks good on you" *cue ground opening* *dives into hole in the ground FOREVER. I am devastated. As if I didn't feel crap enough to begin with, as if I didn't KNOW how OBESE I look right now... I'm just too low, too far, too deep to get out. I can't deal with this, not now, not ever. It's just too much.
Sunday, May 13, 2007
1:43PM - Whiter Than Pink
I bleached my hair again to get rid of my roots, its so white now! I also added some length onto my jumper with the little bit of wool I had left. I didn't know I would have any left because you finish the body before picking up the sleeves. I prefer this length though!
( Whiter Than PinkCollapse )
Friday, May 11, 2007
6:39PM - Nothing is acceptable
I had a sudden realisation today, a realisation that scared me. I was trying to decide if I was fasting today or not. I had 2 bowls of cereal yesterday. It dawned on me no matter what foods I put to myself to be eaten were dismissed. I was told no time and time again. The more I questioned myself the more I realised that I didnt know what my safe foods were anymore, or if I have any at all. Nothing was acceptable, nothing was ok. Every food is unsafe. Everything is unsafe. Liquids are ok, food is not. Not even liquid foods were safe. This sorta scared me, not in a way that makes me want to recover but in a way that I might actually see my limits. I might find out how low I really can go. In a way that I will see what I look like at my lw. It feels achievable, reachable. I feel strong, empty, determined. I don't think I will be able to eat today. There is nothing acceptable. Nothing.
Wednesday, May 9, 2007
10:33PM - Pretty Pinkness
This is the anthropologie-inspired shrug turned into a jumper. I knitted the shrug which I finished yesterday in blue. This is knitted in pattons essence, took about 1 3/4 balls on 9mm circs. I put it on over a black cardigan just to show it off
( Pretty Pink Mini JumperCollapse )
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